I Hate Inspirational Quotes and Here’s Why
Inspirational quotes are stupid and that’s why I hate them.
First of all, they’re almost always faulty analogies. Second, they’re often taken out of context. Third, they’re bullshit. A life motto worked out for you? Good for you. Does that mean it’s going to work out for 7 billion other people? No. So shut your face. These are the ones that make me want to live alone in a cabin in the Alps the most.
1) “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.”*
No you don’t. You know why? It’s not called missing if you don’t take the shot. What would happen if I handed you a basketball in a room without a net and danced around you disco-style singing “You missed! You missed! You suck because you missed!”? You would punch me in the face, that’s what. Because you didn’t miss. Because you didn’t take the shot.
Also sometimes you take the shot and you die. Like all those dudes who went down Niagara Falls in a barrel and died. I bet you’re really going to regret it if you tell someone to take a shot and they take it and they die. And let me tell you, they will haunt the shit out of you if that happens.
*No offense to Wayne Gretzky who this quote was attributed to because I am Canadian and therefore I love him. He should really control his daughter though, because holy hell.
2) It takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile.
Whoever thinks this is a good reason to smile is a lazy bastard. Like, lazier than me lazy. And that’s really lazy.
3) Everyone is beautiful… so smile, and so are you, etc.
Not everyone is beautiful. Beautiful, like pretty much all adjectives ,is comparative, which means if everyone is beautiful the word is meaningless. So a proper response would be “Not everyone is full of shit, but you are.” Or, of course, you could choose to be nice. Anyway, it doesn’t matter if you aren’t beautiful unless you’re a model or a competitor in a beauty pageant. Hopefully, you’re living somewhere where looks don’t matter that much. And if you are, you should either a) change other people’s mindsets or b) leave. Of course, if you’re beautiful and don’t mind being unfairly advantaged, then you won’t have to do anything. So you can relax and just comb your hair or something.
And don’t tell me you meant beautiful on the inside. Because then you chose the wrong word.
4) “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” – Dr. Seuss.
I love Dr. Seuss like everybody else. And I think for the most part people should say and do whatever the hell they want. The second part of the sentence, however, always annoys me. This is because oftentimes people say stupid things like that gay people shouldn’t get married. And you certainly should mind, because that’s an unfair thing to say. Frankly, I think the people who matter are those who do mind because if you just blindly accept everything you’re probably a shit person.
My rage at inspirational quotes knows no end but my patience and willingness to write does, and I’ve reached it. Drop an inspirational quote you hate or tell me why you hate me and I don’t matter in the comments!